Back to Everyday life

I discussed with my agency Thursday, whether it is ok to publically post photos of our daughter, now that we are home. Unfortunately they believe it would still be better if we don't post any photos of her on our blog at this time, so sadly I can't share photos of here her....she is however incredibly happy, smiling her funny little lobsided grin whenever she gets the chance.

Our youngest son is big into being an oppositional defiant 2 1/2 year old, and part of that is that he yells "NOOOO!!!" at the mere mention of smiling for a camera, so that leaves our oldest for most of the photos who at 4 years old can be quite a ham.
(The two year old is so into saying no, that yesterday when I told him he could get of of his time out chair now and go and play, firmly yelled NOOOO! I don't want to play!! and sat back down on the time out chair)



We’re getting back to our routine. Bug went with us to see the lion king. He was so excited he had made a little giraffe mask in preschool and asked to wear it to the musical. Ok, I’m biased, but I thought he was adorable. He loved the show and walked all the way back to the car making giant giraffe steps. All week since then, it’s been non-stop fantasy play about the lion king for him. He’s pretended to be every character in the show.

I told one of my patients that Shanti’s name means “peace” so she promptly went out and bought her the cutest top which of course says “Peace” in little blue peace signs.

Then today we went up to the lake to pull the dock out of the water…well, James pulled the dock out and I kept the kids out of the way. It was the kids first long ride in the car together. They did pretty well, although at about halfway (45 min) Shanti decided she had had enough of the carseat thing and fussed until she fell asleep. Shanti also seemed a little shocked by being out in nature. She was fascinated that the ground was cold and damp. She going to be shocked when snow falls. I’m sure we’ll make her into a Alaska girl soon enough though.

How long will it take?

The answer is in flux, and depends a great deal on the country you are from. There are two main parts of the adoption process once you’re in Nepal.

1. Nepal government process – about 7 - 9 days (assuming no Nepali holidays) Your agency’s rep should get permission to visit the child in the orphanage for you, and then you visit your child in the orphanage for about 7 days. The last day should be your day to meet with the Ministry of Women Children and Social welfare to finalize your adoption (under Nepali law). You also need to get your child’s Nepal travel document after your adoption is finalized (like a passport)

2. Your country’s process – variable based on country. Some countries pretty much take the Nepali adoption decree as final and automatically approve your child’s entry into your home country. Others like the US, have their own set of criteria the child must meet to be able to immigrate. The US requires that the child meets the requirements of being an orphan as defined by US immigration rules. The US embassy will evaluate the information they are given, and may further investigate any issues that they think are questionable (RFE – Request for Evidence – up to 12 weeks). If the US embassy thinks your child is not an orphan by US standards, it will issue a NOID (Notice of Intent to Deny), and they will not allow the child to enter the US unless it is appealed and further investigation shows the child does meet US criteria of being an orphan.

It appears that the US is instituting a pre-approval process like what used to occur in Guatemala so people don’t unexpectedly get caught up in a very long visit to Nepal. (In Guatemala, the US embassy would review the adoption paperwork prior to the adoption being finalized under Guatemalan law – so referral first, then pre-approval by the US embassy, then adoption finalized by Guatemala, then final approval by the US embassy (usually 2 -3 working days after the embassy interview) That would keep the in country time to about 2 weeks total. (7-9 days Nepal government process plus 3-4 working days US embassy process)

At least this is the way I understand it….I’m probably not completely accurate on some of the details.

How much will it cost?

You can go cheap, or you can go fancy….all depends on your comfort level and what you expect.

Airfares – highly variable – $2000. – 6000 per person. depending on your route, your carrier, your timing + airfare for your child home. We got very lucky and flew on frequent flyer so our total airfare was $180 for the two of us and another $156 for a lap seat for our daughter on the return.

Hotel – reasonable comfortable from $35/day to major more upscale at $100+/day (don’t forget about the tax and service charge (sometimes referred to as “plus, plus”) which add about 23% onto your bill) Our rate at the Yak and Yeti was $90 plus, plus which ran about $110/night. So for us at 21 nights....about $2300

Food – if you eat in one of the more spendy hotels plan at least $10-$15/meal/person for the buffet. If you eat reasonable restaurants outside of the nicer hotels $3-$7/meal/person (also subject to tax and service chage)

Transportation – most anywhere in the city $3.33 or less by taxi (250 rupee) – although a variable depending on time of day, your desire to bargain, and whether it’s a round trip (the driver waits an hour or two for you then takes you home) I figured between orphanage trips, trips to various ministries, doctor appointments, embassies and sightseeing we took about 35 trips

Visa Fees – ask your agency – some agencies cover other’s do not – ours agency covered, so I’m not sure of the cost. – I think about $400

Gifts – we brought small gifts for orphanage workers, our Nepal rep, and ministry workers (10 -15 small gifts (like regional candies, hats, mugs, pins, inexpensive bracelets made of regional stones) at $2 - $6 each. Plus we spent about $100 in Nepal on clothing/shoes that we took to the orphanage.

Tourism (besides the cost of taxi) it costs 100 – 750 rupee/person ($1.30. - $10.00) to visit some of the sights

Internet access $6.50 - $13.00/day for wifi at some hotels . Much cheaper but less convenient if you use an internet café near yr hotel

Laundry $0.70-$1.40 /kilo of laundry at many places in Thamel, but very expensive if you have it done in yr hotel (like $10/kilo)

Sorry my math doesn’t exactly match up….I generally did the conversion from US dollars to Nepali rupee in my head. It’s about 75 rupee to 1 dollar.

Coming up for Air

We did make it home… almost 7 days ago now. It has been a whirlwind since then. Or maybe it’s just seemed like a whirlwind with everyone adjusting to local time, local weather, being back at work, and for the boys, back at daycare. But perhaps most significantly, we are adjusting to now being a family of 5.

The night we got home, the boys were waiting with my mother at our house. They were so excited to actually meet their new sister. I was nervous, expecting the worst….tears, Shanti being upset at sharing her new mommy with two other kids, the boys not understanding why their little sister was scared of them, not wanting to share their mommy with this new kid in their house…..but none of that was true. The boys were so happy to finally meet Shanti and were enthralled by her. We had been showing Shanti photos of her brothers for the week before we came home; it really seemed to help too. Shanti warmed up to them almost immediately and within 5 minutes she was playing with toys they had brought to her out of their toybox. My mother had prepped the boys that Shanti might be scared at first and they needed to be gentle with her, but no worries. Within a day and a half, Shanti was fully holding her own and happy to challenge anyone who questioned her ownership of every ball in the house.




Shanti is also slowly warming up to the other people in her life. She loves to play with her daddy now and even occasionally will let him comfort her. She also has accepted my mother after a rough 4 hours on our first Monday back. Unfortunately I had to go back to work the day after we returned from Nepal, so my mother has been watching her while I’m at work. They say it’s not the best for a newly adopted child’s attachment to have other caregivers in so soon….but given being gone from work for 4 weeks, there really wasn’t any other choice. We do the best we can as parents.

So we’re doing well, we’re happy, and we’re a family. It just feels so right……chaotic, but right.

Airport details

We made it on the plane from Kathmandu to Seoul, but not without some drama. I had called Kore*n Air Kathmandu office 4 days before we left to let our airline know that we were bringing Shanti back with us as a lap child. “No problem, you’ll have to pay taxes and a small fee” ….Is there anything else you need….her travel document number? My visa card number? “No it’s all done…no problem”. I hang up and think, wow, that was easy……I really should have thought…”Hmmmmm that was _too_ easy”

So we reconfirm our flight the night before and the morning of, just to be safe. We give ourselves plenty of time to get to the airport (leave the hotel 3 hours before our flight) . Surprisingly with Dashain festivities there is virtually no traffic and we make it to the airport in record time and we get in the line to check in. Small problem; there is no record of us having a lap child. After 20 minutes or so, they understand what we need, and tell us it’ll cost $260-something. No problem….oh there is a problem….we traveled on frequent flyer mileage tickets and for some reason they can’t connect a lap child to a frequent flyer ticket….now the airline employee’s suggest we stay in Kathmandu for a few days while they sort this out (No…..please don’t say that! I’m so ready to be home), so after 90 minutes of biting my nails, and after the full time efforts of 5 heroic KAL employees one of them finally smiles….they’ve done it! I’m so relieved I can’t describe it….but it was short lived. I pull out my credit card “You don’t have cash?” Apparently they’re not set up at the airport to take credit cards. We finally realize we can use our credit card to get a cash advance. J walks with the ticket agent to the airport bank where they get the cash. Somehow the price has changed to only $159. And now we’re late, so late we get to have an escort to help us run from point to point and cut ahead in line. We rush up the stairs (for some reason the airport no longer charges a $23. exit tax) to the second security checkpoint where they open up our bags and go through absolutely everything – opening up makeup containers, flipping though papers, books and everything else. Although they allow a 10 oz package of premade dal (what would no doubt be considered a liquid in the US), apparently small toy balls filled with air are contraband, so Shanti’s little yellow ball that she loves so dearly gets to stay in Kathmandu. Next stop Customs where they need not only our passports, Shanti’s travel document and the declaration sheet you got when you entered the country, but also a copy of Shanti’s adoption decree and a copy of her travel document (make copies and bring them with you). Finally we pass through and make it to the gate as the plane is boarding. 6 hours later we are finally in Seoul. Clean orderly, quiet Seoul. One step closer to home.

Rest before travel

I feel a little guilty that I want to get home so badly, but I miss our boys terribly. I miss cool weather, and I miss sleeping in my own bed.

We got a much needed break the past 2 days. Took a taxi to Nagarkot, hiked on trails and dirt roads (not much more than than a trail), got caught in a Monsoon downpour, and heard nothing but birds and the occasional cricket. Rising at dawn to see the sunrise over the himalayas was a bust, but it really didn’t matter. The cool mountain air and the peace and quiet are what we really went for.


It was a little hard at night for Shanti. She went to sleep just fine, but when she woke up in the middle of the night in entirely unfamiliar surroundings, she was consoled only by sleeping in my arms in a chair and even then only after a bottle and about 45 minutes of wailing. I’m sure getting on a plane and sleeping in new surroundings at our home with two brothers will be an adjustment for her. I really wish I had a week or two before I had to go back to work to help smooth her transition…..but we’ve will have been gone almost 4 weeks as it is, and bills have to be paid, and life must go on.

That being said, Miss Shanti has come out of her shell….way out. From my lap, she flirts with people across restaurants, smiling and giggling, then turning away….only to turn back to see if they are still looking….causing a whole new cycle of smiling and giggling. She’ll wander even 15 feet from me to explore her surroundings…unless someone says something to her which causes her to run back to the safety of my lap. She still clutches a washcloth when she’s in new surroundings (she rejected all baby blankets in favor of a Yak and Yeti white washcloth), and she still needs to be able to keep me in sight, but that’s pretty normal for a 16 month old. As I said, we expect a rough first week or so at home….she’ll have to adjust to very different smells, sights, and most of all sharing mommy with two brothers. But all in all, I think she’ll weather the transition just fine…..

Now just to make it through the next 42 hours traveling home.

We're coming home Baby!

Finally, one full week after submitting our paperwork to the U.S. embassy, they approved our case and called to say that they were ready to issue a visa for Shanti. I can now breathe a huge sigh of relief. The embassy was _very_ thorough; thorough to the point of visiting the orphanage, and in some cases interviewing personel at the police station that issued the report of abandoned child. I suppose it is a good thing for them to be so meticulous at evaluating the information regarding our child….but it still is nervewracking.

So now the government of Nepal and the government of the United States both recognize Shanti as our daughter. This was the last big hurdle. We’re coming home baby!


Unfortunately our airline doesn’t have any flights out of Kathmandu until Friday. So tomorrow morning we head out to Nagarkot for some peace and quiet. Then Friday we head home! This has been a long 3 ½ weeks away from our boys. We miss them dearly.

Tired of waiting

Monday we wait by the phone….hoping to hear news from the embassy that Shanti’s visa is ready and can be picked up. Around 11 AM we get the call, but not the one we’re hoping for. They say they will call again Tuesday morning. Are there any problems? I ask. “No, we just want to be sure we’re thorough”.

We’ve seen most of the major sites of Kathmandu and the Kathmandu Valley. Both J and I are “templed out”. We’re both a little tired of the traffic, noise, and the constant barrage of people trying to sell us thankas and pashima shawls. We don’t leave until Friday, but we would so love to have Shanti’s visa in order so we could get out into the countryside at Nagarkot, where the air is clear, the temperature is less muggy, and there is no traffic jams.

I can tell I need a little break. I’m beginning to focus on the seamier aspects of Kathmandu….The boy laying on the sidewalk huffing gasoline from a plastic bag, the raw sewage running down the street, the dead rat I step over, the beggerwoman and her skinny baby I try not to make eye contact with. I don’t want these to be the things that I focus on. They’re part of Kathmandu, but they’re not all of it. The people are generous and kind. No one here yells in traffic jams that would be sure to bring out road rage in people in the US. Hindi get along side by side with Buddhists, everyone we come in contact with has been warm and helpful, people share whatever they have even when they have so little. The land and the people are so beautiful. These are the lasting memories, the memories I will teach Shanti about her country of birth as she grows.

Attachment is a process

Attachment is a process, not a moment. I am reminded of this because after days of a giggling smiling little girl, last night Shanti woke up in the middle of the night crying. She hasn’t done this before, and I was able to comfort her within 5 minutes. Today, I’ve noticed she’s not the same smiling little girl we’ve seen over the past few days. She is more clingy, more prone to tears at simply telling her not to touch mommy’s computer. We work to make sure she know’s we’re here for her and we will never leave her. By the afternoon, she is back to her playful, giggling personality.

Although brief, it reminds me that attachment is a process, and we will have our ups and downs as we learn to be a family together.

Just pictures

From past two days visits to Boudnath and Swayambunath

The Details

A lot of people have been wondering how we know what to do and when to do it. The details of the process (when to go and where to go) , transportation to and from appointments, orphanage visits, and the grocery store is all done by our Nepal representative. He also goes to each appointment at various Nepal ministries, doctor appointments, and US embassy to explain what we need done. In most cases, I only fill out the forms and sign them (also two interviews: the Ministry of Women Children and Social Welfare, and U.S. Embassy). The rest is done by the Nepal representative. He also arranges for translation of documents from Nepali to English (for the U.S. Embassy), checks to make sure everything is correctly signed, dated etc. In addition, because the process in Nepal is completely new our U.S. based Nepal program director flew from Oregon to Nepal and has been with us and our Nepal rep from the first day to be available in case any issues came up (and she has been very busy).

The only thing that we arrange on our own is meals (because we don’t like to eat at the overpriced hotel restaurant), and sight seeing. For those we take our lonely planet guide, and head out. Walking for close trips, taxi for longer trips. You could take a local bus which is much cheaper, but with a new child, I wouldn’t do it; or you could go on organized tours. In addition you really have to listen to what your child can tolerate. Shanti has been great. She loves to watch what’s going on and likes to wave bye bye to people as we pass. However not everyone’s child will react this way. Some families are pretty much stuck to the hotel because going out is too stressful for their children (who already are under a lot of stress given the change from orphanage life to western hotel life)

Here has been our schedule so far:

Day 1-6 Visit with our daughter (she was still living at orphanage)
Day 7 Meeting with the Ministry of Women Children and Social Welfare– Final Adoption Decree Signed – we’re her parents!
Day 8 Go to Ministry of Foreign affairs 2 times, to apply for our daughter’s Nepal Travel Document (like a passport). Embassy Doctor appointment afterwards.
Day 9 Free time (no appointments) (Saturday visit Swayambhunath)
Day 10 Back to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to receive Nepal Travel Document. Back to Doctor’s for receiving labs done and having embassy health paperwork filled out (Visit Bahktapur)
Day 11 Paperwork being translated into English for the US Embassy. Go to CIWEC clinic for exam and labs. Go to Holt’s orphanage for Children’s day
Day 12. Go to U.S. Embassy to submit Visa application paperwork. (Run errands in Thamel)
Day 13 Embassy calls at 11:45 – Our appointment is…….the next day at 11am (afterward go back to Swayambunath to see if we can find out exactly where Shanti was found)
Day 14 Embassy appointment (afternoon go to Thamel, Kathesimbhu Stupa, and Durbar Square in the afternoon
Day 15 wait for embassy phone call until 11:30– no info, they will call again Monday. (Visit Bodanath – and re-arrange air tickets)
Day16 wait , Sign another paper for the ministry – free time (Saturday)(Visit Bahktapur orphanage.
Day 17 wait - Sunday US embassy isn't open - visit Patan (Lalitpur)
Day 18 wait for phone call - 11:30 U.S. embassy calls to say they're not done... they'll call Tuesday morning.
Day 19 wait for phone call - 11:00 U.S. embassy calls - We're approved, but they don't know if they'll be able to print out the Visa today or not...(printer problems)We head out for a celebratory lunch and come back at 1:45...Yikes! The called while we were out and want us at the embassy at 1:15. We hop a taxi and make it by 3:00...and after an hour we have her IR3 Visa in hand!
Day 20 Off to Nagarkot 9 am --- Heavenly, quiet, cooler.
Day 21 Stay just outside of Nagarkot until 4 pm
Day 22 11 am leave for Flight back to USA !

Waiting....

We spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting for appointments, waiting for officials to sign documents, and waiting to find out what the day’s plans will be.

Yesterday we submitted our I600 forms to the embassy. We arrived at 1pm and didn’t get out of there until close to 4:00. It was a really long wait for Shanti and the other children especially since it meant they all missed their naps. The embassy personnel said they’d call this morning around 10:30 to let us know when we’ll be able to get our visa interview appointment. Because we were hoping that they might give us an appointment today, we couldn’t make any plans….just in case. 10:30… 10:45… .11:00… 11:15… 11:30. Finally at almost noon we get the call. We have an appointment tomorrow (Thursday) at 11AM. Then we wait until they give us the Visa….if no problems 2-3 days after the interview. I still have hope we might be able to leave September 21…but it’s fading fast.




Once we got the call we realized that we had the afternoon free. We walked to Thamel, on to Kathesimbhu Stupa, and finally on to Durbur Square to take a obligate photo of one of the Sadhus. We knew he would expect to get paid to take his photo, but were surprised that he wouldn’t take the 50 rupee we offered….apparently he’s a premium Sadhu and requires 100 rupee. The boys in the square flew kites made out of bits of plastic and wood and seemed to be having contests with who could get their kite the highest.

It was a lot of walking, but it felt good to be out of the hotel (even if much of it was spent dodging homicidal motorcycle drivers).

Small World

We decided to have Shanti get an exam at a western style clinic while we were still in Nepal for two reasons. One was that we wanted her to be tested for a couple of infectious diseases that had not been done. Second, I wanted to speak with a local doctor about what were the likely and typical diseases she might be exposed to here in Nepal so I could know to watch for them once we returned to the US. So we made an appointment at the CIWEC clinic for a basic physical exam appt.

The CIWEC clinic is a very nice western style clinic staffed with doctors, nurses and receptionists fluent in English. It’s very clean, well lit and friendly. The charges are similar to western charges, but not bad at $55 for a visit plus whatever labs you have done. It specializes in travel medicine, but has full family medicine and pediatric services as well. It has a great website at:

www.ciwec-clinic.com

We are ushered in after a basic history vitals done the nurse, we move to another room and the doctor (Ravi Vadlamudi) comes in and we start to talk. When he learns we’re from Alaska, he asks if we know RN. Shockingly, we do, he’s one of the ER docs at the hospital I work at and our kids are in daycare together. Turns out Ravi and RN were in the peace corps in Nepal in the 90’s. Ravi is a family medicine doctor who previously was a faculty member of the family medicine program at Tulane University Medical School, who had recently moved to Nepal with his wife, an infectious disease specialist, and their two children.

So I was impressed with the CIWEC Clinic, got the tests and info I needed and realized that it really is a small world and we are all connected in one way or another.

Nepal Child Conservation Home

Yesterday we got the chance to visit another orphanage, Nepal Child Conservation Home, which is sponsored by our agency. All I can say is what a wonderful job the director and Holt is doing. The children were laughing, the walls had murals painted on them, there were photos of the kids on the walls throughout the house. It seemed to be a genuinely loving environment. It was children’s day and so the children each had a special box of sweets and fruit to eat. They passed them out youngest to oldest. The children sang songs and danced. There were about 5 caretakers for the 23 children. The director said that they have special celebrations with the children, including celebrating each child’s birthday. In the directors office was a binder with each child’s picture in the spine – binders with all the information for each child. This orphanage was not included in the sending orphanages because it lacked a playground, but that has been fixed (the lot next to it was bought and is being made into a playground), so hopefully soon the children there will also be able to find loving homes. (The director said she had now submitted all 23 children’s files)

Because we were visiting with the Holt program director, we were treated royally. We were met at the gate by the children and the director placed a garland of marigolds around each of us and our children as she greeted us with a Namaste. After the children’s day celebration with the kids, we all sat down to a lovely meal and at the end of that the director placed a mark of red mixed with rice on our foreheads and placed a scarf on each woman and a nepali hat for each of the men. It was such an honor for us.

I know I’m biased because it is my agency, but the difference between orphanages that I’ve seen is night and day.

Coming out of her shell

I can hardly believe it was only 3 days ago I first saw a quick little smile. Each day we get to meet a little more of Shanti, and she is more secure with us. Now she is willing to let me put her down when we are in our hotel room. She loves to play ball, and smiles when we toss the ball to her. But not only does she smile, she giggles; a cute, almost musical giggle, followed by a very unlady-like snort. I think she is going to do just fine.

Bhaktapur

Today we took a taxi to Bhaktapur, about 15 km from the city. It is a town that has chosen to limit the number of motorized vehicles. The result is wonderful. Rather than constantly dodging motorcycles and taxi’s in a rush to get to their next fare, there is time to relax and enjoy the beauty of the temple buildings and newari architecture without fearing for your life. It’s small with narrow cobblestone roads. It’s big enough to take a day to explore, not so big you would get lost. The only real negative of the place was all of the people asking if you needed a tour guide…after the 6th person asking if I needed a guide in less than that many minutes, I began to get a little short with them. Luckily once we got a bit past the entrance, the pestering ended.



Shanti was fascinated by all of the people and temples, and the Nepali people we passed in the street were equally fascinated with the two Caucasian people carrying a nepali baby. As soon as we got moving in our taxi, Shanti was asleep in less than a minute.


After Bhaktapur we went back to the Ministry of Foreign affairs to pick up our travel documents. We had scheduled an appointment for 4PM. This time we barely had to wait (less than 5 minutes) to get the official’s attention. It took another 45 minutes for him to make our children’s travel documents, but no problems, and he handed us Shanti’s Nepali travel document (still looks a lot like a passport, just is good for 1 year. One more document in hand!

After getting our travel documents we went back to the embassy doctor’s office. For some reason we spent over 90 minutes there for the doctor to fill out Shanti’s embassy physical. What exactly he was writing in the form is not clear considering his exam was less than 1 minute and he didn’t take any kind of history. I suppose I don’t really care as long as the US embassy is satisfied and we get to bring Shanti home.

Restraining the Wind

I have been staring all morning at the wall art in my room at the Yak and Yeti. It took me a while to realize that it was written in English with script that is reminiscent of Nepali script.
It says:



            "For I find restraining the mind
             as difficult as restraining the wind,
             because it is (equally)
             restless, turbulent and mighty"
                                        -shrimada bhagvad-gita






somehow it seems appropriate.

Not stroller accessible

Today was the first day we haven’t had some meeting or another scheduled since we arrived in Kathmandu 8 days ago. There had been rumors of major Maoist marches going on through the city, but because we have been going a little stir crazy in our hotel, we decided to try to go to Swayambhunath affectionately known as “The Monkey Temple”. As one might guess from the name, monkeys roam freely throughout the grounds of the Budhist temple parts dating back as far as 400AD, but most of it much more modern….only 800 years old.

It’s a beautiful site on a hill that rises above the floor of the Kathmandu valley, so from the top you can see for miles around. The day was clear and hot and monkeys were plentiful. Shanti loves being carried in her hip hammock. I don’t know how she tolerates the ambient heat combined with body heat, but she does and she loves it.

The process

It seemed once we became Shanti’s parents we should have been able to breathe a sigh of relief, and relax. But that is not the process. Thursday we became her parents. Friday at 10 AM we went to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to ask them to issue Nepali travel documents for our daughter…..the official who we needed to speak to was too busy so he told us to come back at 12:30. At 12:30 we still needed to wait while he dealt with the people that had been there before us. More forms to fill out, passport photos to paste on applications, fees to pay. Drive back to the hotel for 1 hour to feed ourselves and Shanti, and then off to the US embassy doctor to have an exam and blood tests for Shanti’s US Visa. The exam was minimal. Heart, lung and abdominal exam followed by weight (done on a ratty old bathroom scale) and height. The blood test for Shanti was only a blood typing, but the children over 2 have to have a TB test done. They will have to return on Sunday to have those read.

Last, off to the Bluebird department store to pick up some necessary items – baby cereal, enriched dried baby milk, potty seats, etc. It’s a three story store with small quantities of just about anything you could want; from thermoses to spices to clothing and luggage.

In our arms forever

Shanti is now legally our daughter under Nepali law! We are thrilled beyond words. We feel so honored to be entrusted with this wonderful gift, this beautiful little girl, Shanti.

We first arrived at the Ministry at 2pm. We briefly met with officials, had an interview and photos taken by Reuters journalists, and then waited about 90 minutes while the other two families had their interview with the Under Secretary. At last it was our turn. We were ushered into a small room where Under Secretary Adhikari briefly interviewed us (maybe 20 minutes). He was very pleasant and genuinely warm. He seemed honestly curious to understand our motivations as to why we chose to adopt a child from Nepal, why we chose to adopt an infant, how we would teach her about her country of birth as we raised her, how we would care for her, and what our hopes were for her future in our family. We signed a legal document saying that we wished to be Shanti’s parents, and promised to take care of her, and send annual updates. Then as I held my breath, he took out papers with photos of Shanti and both J and I and he signed her official Adoption Decree.

So now she is our daughter and we are her parents. What a beautiful sense of peace - Shanti

A Smile

A smile

It was small and it was fleeting, but I got a smile today. I was gently tickling her forearms up to her shoulders, and she briefly, sweetly smiled. J saw it too.

Each day she is more and more comfortable with us. I can see it in the photos, her body is more relaxed, she will sit up rather than pressing her body and face against mine. She still wants to be held constantly, but it’s less desperately clingy and she is much more interactive with what is going on around her.

Today we meet with the Ministry. If all goes well, after that meeting Shanti will be our daughter under Nepali law and we will be able to take custody of her. I’m so nervous

Changing Money

Changing money

When we travel we usually don’t take a lot of cash with us. We bring just enough to get us through for 4 days or so and maybe an extra $100 for an emergency reserve. In just about every country I’ve been in you can use your bank card if it is part of the PLUS or CIRRUS network and the exchange rate is usually better than what you can get exchanging money in the country (this probably depends on your contract with your bank).

I say ‘just’ about every country, because I did have one uncomfortable week in Ecuador when I had $25 to my name only to discover that at that time the banks in Ecuador did not take PLUS any longer. But there’s always cash advances on your credit card, or western union if you get desperate.

Nepal does have PLUS ATM’s, or at least they say they’re PLUS, but after you enter your info, the ATM won’t complete the transaction. However, in my experience, it’s always useful to keep trying ATMs at other banks because sometimes you’ll find one….probably the only one in the whole city…that works. That’s where we were…no functioning ATM’s in all of Kathmandu….until last night.

We were wandering the market on the way to Durbar square looking for some clothes to buy the children at the orphanage when J excitedly tells me he has found one that works (Himalayan Bank ATM at the spice market). I had pretty much given up on ATMs in Kathmandu and was planning on doing a cash advance on our Visa in the morning. Quickly I went to try it out and enter my card and passcode……whirr…shuffle…...click “please take your cash below”. I’m now thrilled because I’ve found an ATM within walking distance that we can use to directly withdraw from our bank in the US. I quickly count the money, 15000 rupee (about $200). At about 12000 rupee, I hear a different, yet familiar, whirr and click. I stop counting the rupee to glance down at the ATM. Oh CRAP! It just ate my card. Frantically, I push every button I can find. “Your card has been recalled as it was not taken within the time limit (8 seconds). Please contact your home bank for retrieval” MY HOME BANK! MY HOME BANK! I yell at the machine….DON’T YOU REALIZE MY HOME BANK IS 12,000 MILES AWAY? The ATM calmly continues to display its message, then with a blink, dismisses me back to the screen that welcomes me to the Himalayan Bank.

So the good news is; there are functioning PLUS ATM’s in Kathmandu (at least one at the spice market). The bad news is you can’t use them if your bank card in on its way back to the US.

Remember: Get your bank card back in your hand before you count your money.

Attachment

Attachment

I’ve read about attachment, and with the adoption of our second son our experience was very smooth, he was only 6 months old and made the transition easily. We had seen him grow in photographs every 2 weeks before we met him, and he was in excellent fostercare where there was only one other child (and two caregivers during the day). On top of that his personality is such that he is an outgoing friendly active boy, and he doesn’t care much whether there is routine in his life or not. So his transition to join our family was easy. I still watch for signs of attachment issues, occasionally worry that his charismatic nature is somehow a sign of attachment dysfunction, but most of the time realize that is just who he is.

With a 16 month-old child the transition is much more difficult. Shanti is grieving the loss of her orphanage family. She makes progress each day toward trusting us (mostly me), but much of the time she spends burrowing her head against my chest and clinging. She’ll have a few minutes where she seems to be coming out of her shell – playing with a toy a little, interested in what is going on in the room, then suddenly, as if she realizes where she is, she stops, whimpers and burrows her head against my chest or neck crying softly.

I think my expectations were a little different, than this reality. It’s ok, but we’re having to adjust and move slower than we expected. I think I thought after a few days she would learn we weren’t so bad and would treat us as if we were her babysitters – maybe not so excited to see us, but accepting that we were caring for her, and being able to play on the floor or in the grass independently for a bit of time. But that is not where she is. In someways the difficulty of the transition is a good sign, a sign that she is profoundly attached to her caregivers at the orphanage, and now profoundly grieving their loss. This means that she can form deep attachments and overtime will attach this deeply to us, her new family. But it is so hard to see. I wish I could take away your pain baby girl.

Orphanage

The orphanage that Shanti has been living in has 52 children. It was relatively quiet and not chaotic at all. I don’t know if that is a good sign or a bad sign. I would have guessed maybe 16-20 children. About 5 are 2 and under, maybe another 6-8 are ages 3-5, and the rest school age. One adorable 5 year old has some sort of genetic disorder – a little like achondroplasia (abnormal bone development), but different. None the less he is the friendliest little guy appears developmentally on track– I do hope he finds a family.

The children appear well cared for, although it appears that a lot of the care of the younger ones falls on the older girls. The home is strict vegetarian, and Hinduism plays a major role on the children’s lives. The upper level has a prominent shrine, with many pictures of Baba Sai – a charismatic hindi leader.

The orphanage is run by a couple in their late 40’s – early 50’s and they live in the house with the children. It appears that there are minimal records kept on the children, and no photographs of their time in the orphanage.

Little Steps

Each day we are seeing Shanti open up a little more and trust us. Today J got to hold her while she slept. We did nothing too extraordinary today, just walked around the garden of the hotel. We had hoped to get visa photos, but Kathmandu traffic jams and fussy children postponed that ‘til tomorrow.



J’s first time holding Shanti

Yak and Yeti Garden (from our hotel window)

Is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping child? Sweet dreams baby girl.

In my arms

In my arms

Today I got to hold Shanti in my arms. Her orphanage director brought her to our hotel for a visit here. She fell asleep on the way here to awaken to the entirely foreign surroundings of our hotel room. Poor thing was so frightened. She clung to me as if I was her life boat in an angry sea. She cried any time I tried to put her down or have my husband take her, not a wailing cry, a sweet frightened cry. She warmed up after an offering of a banana. She seemed to enjoy playing with the sensory balls I had brought for her (bright air filled balls with bumps all over them). But what she really liked was the keys to the hotel room and the TV remote. What is it that universally attracts kids to remote controls?

After several hours, we went with her back to the orphanage, she was so happy to see her didi (the women who normally cares for her) and immediately brightened and reached out for her. Once in her didi’s arms she turned back to me and dismissed me by waving goodbye, making it clear that she was happy to be back in her familiar surroundings, in her familiar arms and I could go now. I wish I could make this transition easier for her. Her life as she knows it is about to change so much.

Afterward we went to the bluebird market to get supplies we hadn’t remembered to bring with us, then met with the other two families from our agency, our program director and our Nepal representative for dinner at a traditional Nepalese restaurant. It was a good venue to relax and talk about our common experiences and what is to come. The food was good, varied with a mix of tastes that were unique. The only thing I really didn’t care for was the tea, it was earthy slightly buttery and brought back strong memories of our recent visit with the boys to the petting zoo at the State Fair. I think I just experienced yak butter tea.

Tomorrow I get to hold her again.

Meeting Shanti

Shanti is now 16 months old. We have waited 4 months for our final approval, and now finally get to meet her. I know you all are waiting too, so here she is, sweet adorable Shanti



When we first walked in the orphanage a 40 something women in a pink sari, was holding the cutest little girl with dark curly hair and the longest eyelashes you’ve ever seen. Was this her? The woman talked to her and said mama then something in hindi and pointed at me again and said mama. I was afraid to believe it. This beautiful little girl is to be our little girl. Shanti.

Our first meeting was good. Shanti held tight to the orphanage director (the lady in the pink sari) and slowly got too the point where she would make eye contact with me and let me touch her. She seems healthy, well cared for, developmentally on track, and very attached to the orphanage director. At 16 months, most children who are well attached have pretty strong “stranger anxiety”. So I was happy to see that she didn’t want anything to do with me or J, and clung to the orphanage director for comfort. We stayed for about an hour talking with the director, making plans, and playing games with Shanti while she sat on the director’s lap. The cutest little boys (each about 4 years old) kept peeking into the room at the funny strangers in their house, smiling shyly then hiding again. It makes me so sad to think that they too need parents.

The plan as best I understand it at this time is this:
We visit Shanti in the orphanage until next Thursday (so about 1 week), then go to the ministry to file paperwork to give us custody of Shanti. She will then leave the orphanage and be with us at our hotel (although she may be able to visit with us at our hotel before Thursday – not entirely clear about that yet). Once we have custody, the ministry has to issue the paperwork, and Nepali travel documents must be issued (not a passport). These must be translated into English, an appointment for the embassy interview made, and Shanti must be examined by an embassy doctor. Visa photos must be taken, and finally the embassy interview will be done. After that, assuming approval by the US embassy, we wait 1-2 business days for the US visa for Shanti to be issued (still not clear if it is an IR3 or IR4, but I think it is likely it’ll be an IR3 from my understanding of the process) Then we can get on the plane back to the US. The big unknowns in all of this is how long will it take the ministry to issue the final paperwork, and get nepali travel documents, and will all of the paperwork be what the US embassy requires or will they need other documents.

We will visit her again later today. I can’t wait.

Whirlwind

Finding Shanti: The whirlwind tour

Last Thursday rumors surfaced that there were three final approvals issued in Kathmandu, but no official word until Monday morning when we were informed that Shanti’s final approval had been issued. We were thrilled, and hoping we could travel soon. But as in all things, be careful what you wish for…. Because of recent political instability and major upcoming Nepali holidays, our agency asked us to make travel arrangements to be in Kathmandu by no later than Saturday. Now from our home to Kathmandu is somewhere between 33 and 46 hours depending on your route, and don’t forget you lose a day crossing the international dateline, so in order for us to get to Kathmandu we needed to leave by Wednesday…yes, less than 48 hours after we were notified….oh yes and not to mention that I had a full clinic and surgery schedule Monday and I was on call until Tuesday morning at 7 am for my clinic and citycall (the doctor responsible for anyone who comes to the hospital who does not have a regular doctor --- and trust me that’s a lot of people these days). So I don’t know how I managed it, but in less than 2 days I somehow did the following:

Took care of my patients and call patients.
Arranged for child care for the boys (thanks mom!)
Wrote, signed and notarized temporary guardianship, consent for medical treatment for our boys and our updated will
Arranged travel – can you believe we managed to get to Kathmandu on frequent flyer miles?
Rescheduled my clinic for the next 3 weeks (thanks Vita! and everyone else at the front desk!)
Stopped the mail
Got Notarized and State Certified Power of Attorneys for DH (J) and myself if one of us has to stay longer in Kathmandu
Got our travel documents for Shanti’s adoption together and notarized
Packed the boys stuff for their stay at Grandma’s
Packed our stuff for Travel
Found enough clothes for Shanti for 5 days worth (I hadn’t done any shopping because I am so superstitious to think that if I did, something would fall through – Thank you Laurie for the hand me downs! – they’re adorable.
Put together our medical kit (being a doctor, it’s pretty extensive)

That’s just my list. J’s list was equally long..you get the idea. Lots of stuff, no sleep. Not to mention, torn up by having to leave my two little boys for 3 weeks.

I think I was really looking forward to the 13 hour LAX to Seoul portion of our trip (sleep was pure bliss). The travel was amazingly smooth. Minimal layovers, good food all the way (gotta love frequent flyer business class – Korean Air is incredible!) and generally on time connections (there was one brief panic about making connections in LAX – but that was quickly forgotten).

We made it to Kathmandu 45 min ahead of schedule, so waited at the airport for our ride. The people were wonderful. There were the usual touts trying to get you to come to their hotel or tour (really pretty minimal). But what I found amazing was that when we said that someone was meeting us but was late, several of the touts offered to help us by calling our contact from their cellphone. Turns out our contact was caught in traffic so we arranged to meet him at our hotel (our hotel van had arrived at the airport for our pickup).

Once at the hotel (Yak and Yeti – beautiful grounds and a children’s pool which will be really nice once we have Shanti), we met up with our agency rep. He was late to the airport because he had been at the ministry arranging for us to be able to actually go to Shanti’s orphanage and see her. He casually asked when would we like to go see her. Would today be ok? What? I thought maybe I was misunderstanding his English, we were not expecting to be able to see her until Sunday at the best. Yes! Absolutely! Without a doubt! So after 38 hours of travel, now shower, grundgy travel clothes, flat hair, unshowered, unprepared. We hopped in his car and made our way to meet Shanti.

Recent History of Adoptions in Nepal

The adoption process was completely closed down in early 2007 after allegations of corruption were highly publicized. Approximately 440 families trying to adopt from Nepal got caught up in the closure. Over the next 2 years after much frustration and heartache, most of the families were able to complete their adoptions. Many families who were registered with BalMandir (the state orphanage) prior to the closure, but had not received a referral prior to the closure are still waiting as of June 2009.

May 19, 2008: Nepal publishes the New Terms and Conditions for International Adoption. Establishing a centralized process requiring all adoptions to be processed through the Ministry of Women, Children and Social Welfare.

January 1, 2009: Nepal officially calls for prospective adoptive parents to apply to adopt from Nepal

February 2009: The first dossiers were accepted by the Ministry

April 26, 2009: Three "test" referrals were sent out to 3 lucky families

April 30, 2009: Nepal signs the Hague agreement, but is not expected to ratify it for several years

May 24, 2009: An additional approximately 20 referrals were sent out world wide

Adopting from Nepal

Nepal is a country beautiful diverse country, but it has a recent history of political instability. It also has a history of instability and corruption in the adoption process and international adoption was completely closed down in May of 2007 in Nepal. Now with a new government (2008) Nepal has reopened its doors to international adoption. However, because of the corruption in the past Nepal's new adoption process (The New Terms and Conditions) is under intense international scrutiny. Nepal is working very hard to insure that international adoption in Nepal is a transparent system free from corruption.

For those who choose to adopt from Nepal, some may have a smooth straight forward experience, but it is more likely that the adoption process will include, uncertainty, frustration, change and be a very bumpy ride. International adoption at best is a frustrating and uncertain process. International adoption from a country that has a history of political instability is very likely to be very frustrating and uncertain at times.

So if you're looking for an stable, well established adoption process, you should seriously think about whether Nepal is the right country for you.

Who can adopt?
Couples must be married for at least 4 years.
Single women between 35 and 55 years old
Parent(s) must be at least 30 years older than the child they wish to adopt
If the adoptive parent(s) have any children, they can only adopt a child of the opposite sex of the child(ren) they have. If they have both a boy and a girl, they cannot adopt from Nepal. If they have no children they may adopt a boy or a girl.
If the adoptive parent(s) have any children, they can only adopt a child younger than the child(ren) already in the home.
Many agencies report the adoptive parent must own their own home


What is the wait?
At this time no one knows for sure. The program is just too new to estimate

What children are available?
Infants to children over 10 years old. Currently most children available to be adopted are 2-5 years old

Does Nepal have a special needs program?
Nepal plans to have a special needs program, but it is not yet established

The Paper Chase

Different agencies have different ways of interpreting what Nepal has requested as part of their dossier. All documents must be less than a year old at the time of submission to the Ministry. The basic requirements are:

Homestudy
A "Letter of Application for Adoption to the Ministry
Information about Prospective Adoptive Parents
Police clearances for each parent
Birth Certificate of Parents
Birth Certificates of any children in the household
Marriage Certificate (if applicable)
Single Status Statement (if applicable)
Divorce Decree (if applicable)
Health Examination for each parent
Physical Assessment
Psychological Assessment
Employment Letter (if applicable)
Affidavit of Unemployment (if applicable)
Financial Statement
Recent Tax information
Bank Letter
Copy of recent Bank Statement
Photocopy of Passport for each parent
Photocopy of 171H
Resume/C.V. of each parent
5 personal references
Post-Adoption Agreement
Guardianship Designation
Homestudy and any updates
6 photos of your family life and 6-8 photos of your home
10 passport photos of each parent
Guarantee letter (Issued by the US embassy in Kathmandu - see below)

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Once you have your 171H, you should make certain that the US embassy in Nepal has received your Visa37 Cable. They must have this before they will issue your guarantee letter. Your agency's Nepal Representative should pick this up at the embassy and add it to your dossier.

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Nepal requires that for any document that is notarized, every single page of the document is notarized, not just the last one as is customary in the US.

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Once Your Dossier is Complete

The Adoption Process in Nepal is evolving, but this appears to be the process so far.

Once your dossier is complete, and your embassy has issued a Guarantee Letter for you, your agency's Nepal representative submits your completed dossier including the guarantee letter to the Ministry. It is given a 4 digit registration number. This number is not important.

Next your dossier goes to the Legal Department. Here it is given a file number or legal number (based on the order of submission - this is the number that is important, but starting about 5/17/09 the Ministry stopped letting people know what their legal number is). In the Legal Department your dossier is reviewed to make certain all of the necessary documents are present, signed, and notarized properly (every page). If something is missing or incorrectly signed/notarized, your agency rep will be contacted.

Next your dossier goes to the Investigation, Recommendation & Monitoring Committee which evaluates the content of the documents in your dossier. This committee submits your dossier to one of the two matching committees (Central Children's Welfare Board or Bal Mandir).

The Matching Committee matches a child to you based on your request (age, sex, special needs or not). The Matching Committee will not know your name, or any identifying information about you. Likewise, they will not know details about the child other than age, sex, and health status. (Blind matching) When a match has been made your agency will be informed and you will be sent basic information on the child (age, very basic health and development information, vaccinations, and one small photo). You will not be told what orphanage the child is in until after you accept the referral and the match has been given final approval by the Ministry.

You are given 15 days to either accept or reject the referral. If you accept the child referred, you submit a letter of acceptance to the Ministry.

The Ministry must now give it's final approval of the match. First, the Matching Committee recommends the match to the Investigation, Recommendation & Monitoring Committee who then recommends the match to the Ministry . The Ministry issues a final decision to approve the match.

You prepare to travel to Nepal. (Time from referral acceptance to travel is anticipated to be 1-2 months).

Once in Nepal you must pick up the approval documents at the Ministry, then you go to the orphanage to meet the child. You spend approximately 7 days visiting the child in his or her orphanage. After you have completed the visitation period, you meet for an interview at the ministry. If all goes well, the UnderSecretary signs your child's adoption decree and child then becomes legally yours under Nepali law. You now have full custody of the child.

You must now get permission to bring the child to the US.
1. You must take your child to have passport-style photos taken of the child for various documents
2. The child's Nepali travel documents must be requested from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. It is estimated that this will take 1-4 days to receive this paperwork
3. The child must pass a health exam by an U.S. embassy approved doctor.
4. You submit all of your translated paperwork including Nepal travel documents to the US Embassy and request an interview appointment.
5. You have your embassy interview, and if there are no further questions, 2-3 days later you receive the child's visa and you may travel back to the US.
(Total time in Nepal is expected to be about 3 weeks)

If all adopting parents (ie. 2 if married, 1 if single) meet the child before the child was legally your child under Nepali law, the child becomes a US citizen as soon as you land in the US (IR3 Visa) If not the child enters as a Permanent resident (IR4 Visa) and you must readopt the child once you are in the US in order to have the child become a US citizen -----(actually it is a good idea to readopt the child in the US even if he/she entered the US on a IR3 Visa)