Attachment

Attachment

I’ve read about attachment, and with the adoption of our second son our experience was very smooth, he was only 6 months old and made the transition easily. We had seen him grow in photographs every 2 weeks before we met him, and he was in excellent fostercare where there was only one other child (and two caregivers during the day). On top of that his personality is such that he is an outgoing friendly active boy, and he doesn’t care much whether there is routine in his life or not. So his transition to join our family was easy. I still watch for signs of attachment issues, occasionally worry that his charismatic nature is somehow a sign of attachment dysfunction, but most of the time realize that is just who he is.

With a 16 month-old child the transition is much more difficult. Shanti is grieving the loss of her orphanage family. She makes progress each day toward trusting us (mostly me), but much of the time she spends burrowing her head against my chest and clinging. She’ll have a few minutes where she seems to be coming out of her shell – playing with a toy a little, interested in what is going on in the room, then suddenly, as if she realizes where she is, she stops, whimpers and burrows her head against my chest or neck crying softly.

I think my expectations were a little different, than this reality. It’s ok, but we’re having to adjust and move slower than we expected. I think I thought after a few days she would learn we weren’t so bad and would treat us as if we were her babysitters – maybe not so excited to see us, but accepting that we were caring for her, and being able to play on the floor or in the grass independently for a bit of time. But that is not where she is. In someways the difficulty of the transition is a good sign, a sign that she is profoundly attached to her caregivers at the orphanage, and now profoundly grieving their loss. This means that she can form deep attachments and overtime will attach this deeply to us, her new family. But it is so hard to see. I wish I could take away your pain baby girl.